Daddy Issues

We (sort of) recently celebrated father’s day. It tends to be a bittersweet day for me. It is a reminder of both good and bad. I love that we have a day to celebrate fathers. I love that we have days to celebrate parents. They should be celebrated. They have a hard job.

Parents have a profound impact on our lives.

I often wish I could say my (biological) dad had no impact on my life. Or that I only have happy memories of him. Unfortunately neither is true. Someone once told me that as a girl my father was my “first love”. It sounds a little weird but I get it. He was the first man I loved. As much as I may not like it, I probably would have been considered a daddy’s girl growing up. I loved my mom and was close with her but I spent more time with my dad. I was the first born golden child that did everything he wanted. I excelled in school, made friends quickly, was musical, did well in sports. I was also a leader and he liked that. Probably because he saw himself in me. I was who he wanted me to be I put on a great outward performance.

I am my father’s daughter.

I got his sense of humor. I got many of his characteristics. I even look like him. I also took on some of his not so desirable characteristics. I loved control and often successfully controlled and manipulated those around me. I liked to live both sides of the coin: multiple youth groups & lots of time in church pedaling the squeaky clean image while also stealing, lying, bullying others, & spending time with people who were less than a great influence. I loved to live to the brim in hypocrisy like him.

I often hate that I am so much like him. I look in the mirror at times and am literally faced with the similarities. I spent so much time being angry with him and myself. I was angry with him because the first man I loved ended up betraying and wounding me so deeply. I was angry with myself that I was affected by his actions and that he had any impact on my life period.

I didn’t want to admit to any happy memories at all. It was much easier to hang on to anger when there are no “happy” connections to that person. I often laughed around my dad. I learned about leadership. I became better at things because of his coaching.

I didn’t want to admit his words hurt me. They cultivated shame in me – how could I think that about him? They cultivated a hatred for my appearance – it was never good enough. They cultivated deep insecurity – I was never quite perfect and that was not okay. I learned to fear, distrust, & disrespect males in general.

In taking my mother he changed the course of my life forever. That kindled a fiery anger.

I learned my anger only affected me though. It made me an unpleasant person. It made me unwilling to feel anything. It hindered my relationships with friends, parents, & Christ.

In letting go I walked into light.

Because of Marty’s actions I am liberated. I am liberated from the abusive, manipulative, & controlling environment he created. I am free from being fed lies. My mother was liberated. My brother was liberated. And on top of that – we have a new family. We have new siblings & parents. We have a new father.

No parent is perfect and my life is a testament to that. Most do their best but they fall short. We all fall short at some point of some thing (usually multiple things). I do have a Father who is perfect in all ways though. Who sat with me in the tears, in the anger, & held me in the times I fought everyone else off.

There’s a worship song I love & the chorus sums up where I rest:

“You’re a good good father
It’s who you are, It’s who you are
It’s who you are
And I’m loved by you
It’s who I am, It’s who I am
It’s who I am”

I am my Father’s daughter.

Therein lies my comfort. There is my perfection. There is all the things I cannot and do not need to be. There is the place to bring my sorrow & pain where it is transformed into joy. Into light.

Published by melodieoz

A midwest native transplanted to the south. Finding beauty in and from the broken.

3 thoughts on “Daddy Issues

  1. Our redeemer definitely lives in you! Praise Him. Thanks for letting me read this Melody. What a great testimony to me this morning. Love You

    Like

  2. God bless you! What a powerful testimony of the grace of God in the midst of sin. What man meant for evil God turned into good. Evil is always evil, there is nothing good in it at all. But God… God is so great that He can bring good out of the greatest of evils. Christ’s death on the cross is the ultimate example. I praise God for the power of His grace in your life!

    Like

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