Wrecked

A month before our wedding, I was hit and flipped by a drunk driver.

I was driving home from the airport late Sunday night after flying in from a weekend in Alabama. As I exited the highway and went through the intersection about 10 minutes from my house another driver blew through a red light and crashed into the side of my car. I screamed as metal hit metal and glass shattered. I closed my eyes. When I felt the movement stop I opened my eyes. I was upside down. There was glass everywhere and I was staring at the roof of my car.

I walked away.

Everyone was able to walk away. I remember telling a bystander who stopped that I needed my wedding shoes from my car. I was glad to be alive and glad to still be able to get married. That may sound silly but it’s what I was thinking in a moment of total shock.

Don’t worry – my shoes were fine.

In the following days I found myself experiencing extreme anxiety in the car. I was convinced someone was going to hit me again. The stress I had felt about all the impending change with marriage and moving only compounded. There was so much to do. I had to finish wedding preparations. I had to pack. And go to work. And spend time with the friends I would be leaving. And now I had to deal with everything related to the wreck. Working out was replaced with steroids and physical therapy. Eventually, the doctor prescribed anti-anxiety medication so I could function without being sent into a state of panic with no warning.

I had no control.

My life felt wrecked. Or at least like a wreck. Everything seemed disjointed and unorganized. Instead of running through to the end I was treading water. There was a dark shadow looming over the “finish line” of our happy wedding day. My heart lost gratitude for all the wonderful I was still surrounded by. My prayer for a positive spirit had to be repeated everyday because I was so fixated on how everything had gone awry. Amidst it all Will remained constant and encouraging. As someone used to doing everything on my own, in my own way, I don’t always adjust to having a partner naturally.

I wasn’t prepared to be wrecked again.

Our wedding was so incredibly joyful. It was the most fun we’ve ever had. I was able to spend the day with my closest friends and family. I was able to walk down the aisle and meet my groom. We were able to declare in front of our family and friends our covenantal vow to spend the rest of our lives together. We were able to declare the love of Christ. We ate, drank, and danced rejoicing in the love we were surrounded by.

It was truly the best day ever.

The day after we returned from our honeymoon we sorted and packed my belongings. We packed up our new (to us) car and headed to Alabama. We moved into Will’s 300 square foot apartment that was now ours. It took a few days but reality hit. And it hit hard.

I was wrecked again.

I had left the comfort of home once again. I had come to a new place where I knew only my husband and my dog. Everything was new. Most of it was exciting. Some it was not.

And that is where Will met me.

He didn’t try to change how I felt. He reminded me without words that he had been walking alongside me for quite some time. Before I walked down the aisle to meet him he had already been carrying out the role of loving me regardless and walking beside me in the good times and the bad. As we adjust to marriage he remains a source of calm for my flighty and anxious heart. Loving me even when he may not want to or I don’t deserve it.

Will’s love wrecks me.

It reminds me why I chose to marry him. It reminds me why I moved to Alabama and away from all I knew in Texas. It reminds me there is more to consider than just my own selfish desires. Most importantly though, it reminds me of the love we are trying to portray as we stumble through marriage. Will’s love wrecks me yet it pales in comparison to how Christ’s love wrecks me.

I’m continuously met with a love I don’t deserve. When I forget he has been by my side through everything from the beginning. He remains steadfast and true. When Will and I fail to love each other well and want nothing to do with the other, he meets us both. When I succumb to overwhelming circumstance and forget I’m held in his hands, he remains. I don’t need to be in control because he knows it all.

Calm in the storm. Peace in the fear. The sweet aroma of joy amidst pain. When I’ve run far, he remains near.

HIS love wrecks me.

And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

 

 

Photo Credit: Texture Photo